For the last eleven weeks, I've been off of work and it has been AMAZING! These last eleven weeks have flown by and it's hard to think that I'll be back at work in a week. As much of a transition that these last couple months have been, I know that it is yet another transition that my family and I will go through as I return back to work. There will be unforeseen difficulties and blessings, I'm sure of it.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with worry and anxiety.
These last eleven weeks have shown me that I still struggle with worry and anxiety despite the growth I had noticed after working my first year and a half as a registered nurse. Having a child of my own is much different than taking care of a few patients for twelve hours. Obviously I knew that would be true, but I didn't know the amount of pressure I would place on myself on this new adventure as a mom. I was freaking out about everything so much in the first month that I describe that first month as one very, very long day. Partly because there was so much to be learned in such a short time but also because it was a big blur of hormones, feedings, diaper changes, occasional naps, a lot of visitors, and far too many worries.
I remember on the first day of having our little son, I had taken a lot of pictures and as the first night started to commence, I looked at the pictures and thought,"Every picture looks like a different boy! How am I every going to recognize my son!!!" Well, let's just say, I look at those same pictures today and think, "Why was I so hard on myself? That was the very first day I met him. Of course it was so hard to recognize him, I didn't know him like I know him now.Plus, I had just given birth to a child earlier that day and, well, my brain didn't seem to start functioning properly until week five or six after having him. But yes, that's Jonson in all of those pictures." By no means do I know everything about him, but yes, I do know much more now comparatively to the first eights hours. I've spent countless hours looking at that handsome face of his, studying his features, and watching them develop more as he has been growing so quickly! Too quickly, I might add.
As I am getting closer to returning to work, I easily find myself thinking of a lot of things that bring about worries and can start to flip on the "anxiety" switch in me. But I've realized that I need to take action when I recognize having such worrisome thoughts. STOP! No, you don't know what the future holds, but that doesn't mean the future is going to be bad. Have hope, Kari!
HOPE: to cherish a desire with anticipation. More often then not, when I look towards the future, I get so anxious. The future holds so many unknowns. Wouldn't it be great if I could learn to look with excitement at the countless unknowns of the future? With hope? In fact, nearly a year ago this time, my husband and I were about to start trying to get pregnant. What an exciting season to begin! And wow! Can I just say that what has unfolded from those unknown has been one of the greatest transitions of my life: transition into motherhood. God has blessed me tremendously with a healthy son and an amazing husband to partner in life with me.
No, I don't know what this transition back to work will hold. But, I know that God is in control. He is with me. He is for me. And, one of the best things, He knows everything.
The Creator of the Universe knows me and cares for me and He has a plan for my life.
Meditating on that truth brings me excitement for this next season to unfold...
One more week...
Thursday, June 8, 2017
May 30, 2017
It is SO difficult trying to think of words to capture what it has been like to transition into being your mother. Some words that come to mind when I look at you about to fall asleep on my lap: love, joy, peace, precious, handsome, beautiful, new, adventure, explore, sweet, fun, exciting, delicate, growing, my son!
You are already two months old now and it is only going to go faster. I want to take it all in as best as I can. They say, “Don’t blink or you’ll miss it!” I do not want to miss anything, but I know I will. There will be things I never thought to observe or ponder as you grow up. And soon enough, you will be leaving the comforts of our family to set out on your own adventure.
I am so excited to watch the little boy you grow into and eventually see the man you become. I hope to wisely encourage you to be who God has made you to be and who you are. I hope to encourage you to discover your talents, passions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and desires.
As you are so little yet, there are so many questions I have.
What will your first word be? Will you look more like me or your dad as you get older? What color of eyes will you have? Will they stay light blue? What color of hair will you have? What are the things you will gravitate towards? What will your voice sound like? Will you like music? What will be your favorite food? Will you want to play sports? How many bones will you break? Will you be an introvert or extrovert?
And the list goes on and on.
You are such a gift. I am so thankful that I get the opportunity to closely watch you grow and learn. There are so many unknowns and with that, worry can easily set in this young mom’s mind. I thought I knew how to trust God with my worries, but I have learned that I have much more to learn and many areas to grow in. I recognize that there are so many prayers that need to be prayed.
I pray that you will seek adventure and explore this world.
I pray that you will know that you are loved.
I pray that you will seek wisdom, knowledge, and truth.
I pray that you will live peacefully and abundantly.
But ultimately, I pray that you will seek a personal relationship with God, which will bring forth all that you will ever need.
By no means will I be the perfect mother, but I hope to be the best mother I can be for you. I know there will be tough times, but I believe that the “good” will outweigh the “bad.”
So here is what I desire most for you: Jonson James Dietz be Jonson James Dietz.