For the last eleven weeks, I've been off of work and it has been AMAZING! These last eleven weeks have flown by and it's hard to think that I'll be back at work in a week. As much of a transition that these last couple months have been, I know that it is yet another transition that my family and I will go through as I return back to work. There will be unforeseen difficulties and blessings, I'm sure of it.
For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with worry and anxiety.
These last eleven weeks have shown me that I still struggle with worry and anxiety despite the growth I had noticed after working my first year and a half as a registered nurse. Having a child of my own is much different than taking care of a few patients for twelve hours. Obviously I knew that would be true, but I didn't know the amount of pressure I would place on myself on this new adventure as a mom. I was freaking out about everything so much in the first month that I describe that first month as one very, very long day. Partly because there was so much to be learned in such a short time but also because it was a big blur of hormones, feedings, diaper changes, occasional naps, a lot of visitors, and far too many worries.
I remember on the first day of having our little son, I had taken a lot of pictures and as the first night started to commence, I looked at the pictures and thought,"Every picture looks like a different boy! How am I every going to recognize my son!!!" Well, let's just say, I look at those same pictures today and think, "Why was I so hard on myself? That was the very first day I met him. Of course it was so hard to recognize him, I didn't know him like I know him now.Plus, I had just given birth to a child earlier that day and, well, my brain didn't seem to start functioning properly until week five or six after having him. But yes, that's Jonson in all of those pictures." By no means do I know everything about him, but yes, I do know much more now comparatively to the first eights hours. I've spent countless hours looking at that handsome face of his, studying his features, and watching them develop more as he has been growing so quickly! Too quickly, I might add.
As I am getting closer to returning to work, I easily find myself thinking of a lot of things that bring about worries and can start to flip on the "anxiety" switch in me. But I've realized that I need to take action when I recognize having such worrisome thoughts. STOP! No, you don't know what the future holds, but that doesn't mean the future is going to be bad. Have hope, Kari!
HOPE: to cherish a desire with anticipation. More often then not, when I look towards the future, I get so anxious. The future holds so many unknowns. Wouldn't it be great if I could learn to look with excitement at the countless unknowns of the future? With hope? In fact, nearly a year ago this time, my husband and I were about to start trying to get pregnant. What an exciting season to begin! And wow! Can I just say that what has unfolded from those unknown has been one of the greatest transitions of my life: transition into motherhood. God has blessed me tremendously with a healthy son and an amazing husband to partner in life with me.
No, I don't know what this transition back to work will hold. But, I know that God is in control. He is with me. He is for me. And, one of the best things, He knows everything.
The Creator of the Universe knows me and cares for me and He has a plan for my life.
Meditating on that truth brings me excitement for this next season to unfold...
One more week...